Dear Sheri,

I was with Billy for ten years, when suddenly and totally unexpectedly, he broke up with me. A few weeks later, he called me claiming that he made a rash decision and that breaking up with me was a big mistake and he wanted to try to work things out. So, for ten months we tried to "work things out" His actions were questionable at best, and deep in my heart I knew that there was probably someone else. Whenever I asked him if there was someone else and he said ' no'.

Finally, a family member of his called me to finally tell me that, in fact there was someone else, and he married her just six days after he broke up with me. I was devastated!

When I confronted him he adamantly denied it. He said that he was dating someone but they were no longer seeing each other. He begged me not believe his family, and that he loved me and wanted to be with me. I told him until he can prove that to me in actions, that I did not want to talk to him or see him. I changed my home and cell numbers, but he continued to call me at work. Most times he would call before or after work hours and leave messages telling me how much he missed me, how he couldn't stop thinking about me and how he was going to come back "for" me. I did not return any of his calls. It was difficult, at best.

Finally in January of this year, I spoke to him, directly. He still denied his marriage, and said that he knew we were meant to be together and that is how God wanted it. He said he just needed to fix some things in his life and we would be back together. He referred to his leaving me as "the worst choice he has ever made." So I put my somewhat "blind" trust in him and agreed. Well, after a couple of months I told him that I could not do it this way anymore, and I called his mom, she told me that HE WAS IN FACT MARRIED. That is when he finally came clean with his marriage. He said he knew this girl from when he was a teenager, and he was frustrated with our relationship and thought we were growing apart, so he made a stupid, drastic choice. He told me he was going to leave her, he just needed some time, because he did not want to hurt her. I agreed.

Two weeks ago, I received a call from his wife. Seems she had found his cell phone bill and saw my number all over the bill. I told her who I was and she went on to tell me that she was seeing him for the last ten years as well. He had us both for ten years! She also told me she was pregnant and that they just bought a house.

For ten years he was with her and me, and get this, his whole family knew this all along! His mother knew that he was betraying his marriage and never told me or his wife!

How could I have been so blinded? How could he do something as horrible as this? Does he have a conscience? In the ten years we were together, every month or so he would go to "visit his Dad" for the weekend and he was actually going to see her. How does he live with himself?

After the truth finally came out and I spoke with him, he told me that HE WAS GOING TO COME BACK FOR ME. I told him that I needed to move on with my life and find a real man who would love and honor me and whom I could trust. He screamed at me (something he never did in the ten years we were together)) and he said "If I find out you are with another man, I will cut your throat."

Please help me to understand this. I am sick to my stomach with all of this, please help.

 

CONFUSED

Dear Confused,

Many of us wonder how could someone we care about and that we think we know so well, break our trust(and our heart) and threaten our cherished relationship with such deceit and lies? Questions such as: "How can he live with himself?" " How can he expect to live with me ever again?" "How can he be mad at me after what he did?" and "How can I ever trust again?" normally arise.

I am amazed that Billy could so effectively deceive two women for 10 years and that you never found out about each other. Sometimes our HOPES for what the relationship could be along with our desperate NEED for love blinds us to what really IS happening.

When you operate with blind trust, you begin to ignore your gut feelings and stop seeing the warning signs of dishonest behavior; looking past the obvious, overlooking important clues like a relative calling to tell you "HE'S MARRIED!!!"....and not asking questions such as: "where exactly do you go when your NOT with me?" and, "Why can't I go with you?" Instead we make excuses for his behavior and deny reality in order to not rock the boat. Or worst, we turn on ourself and ask" "What's wrong with me? Why am I so suspicious?"

We all want to trust. Trust feels good. However, when our need to TRUST is greater than our need to know TRUTH, we begin to go deaf, dumb and blind by suspending our critical judgement, ignoring contradictory information, and denying our intuitions and knowing.

Even though you state that you confronted Billy and even left, it sounds like you continually gave him the benefit of the doubt and rarely reality-tested what he told you until it was too late. Often we fool ourselves by saying, "This won't happen again. I'll give him another chance." over and over again, even though inside ourselves, something is jumping up and down saying "YIKES! this doesn't feel right at all!" When we deceive our KNOWING, we end up doubting ourself, distrusting our ability to read the incoming signals, and seriously endangering our self-esteem. Then when the relationship finally does end, we are hit with the double whammy of feeling devastated by our partner's betrayal AND by our own abandonment and self mistrust.

The dynamics within you that allowed you to fall victim and believe his words over his actions over a ten year period, are connected to your self-esteem and beliefs about what you deserve. It's time to clean your own house, so that you don't act out the same patterns with a new man.

Here are some quick tips to get the ball rolling.

Examine the role you played. We all want to blame the betrayer, but every relationship dance involves two people. What part did you play? Ask yourself 'what do I need to learn about myself so that I will never be so blindsided again?'

Take some time to identify your emotional needs and practicing supreme self-care. When you are able to give yourself what you need, the love you seek from another is less dependent and needy-based.

Practice listening to your gut feelings and honoring what you hear.

Push for certainty and constancy when dealing with others rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Clearly define know what your looking for in your relationship. What are your hopes, beliefs, and requirements for your relationship? What is toxic and not acceptable?

You've got to build your self-esteem. We attract in exactly what we feel we deserve. It's time to raise the bar.

On the side panel are some books, tests and videos that may start you on your healing journey to clarity.

Blessings to you,

Sheri

Take the Mr/Ms Wrong for you Test
Click here

Sheri on ABC
talking about the Mr/Ms Wrong Test
See video

Why Men Cheat!
See Sheri on "E! Entertainment discussing adultery.

 

The 'Ask Sheri' advice column, is made available for the sole purposes of providing general information and education and is not meant to serve as a substitute or replacement for therapy.