Dear Sheri,

After discovering the affair my husband was having for over a year (I tapped our phone and then confronted him with it) and after a year and a half of unsuccessful attempts to resolve it (I went to counseling , he refused to go saying "What are they going to do, interrogate me?"), I am going to leave him. But, not until our only child is out of high school which is in 4 years. My choice is based on my son's emotional stability. My husband refuses to acknowledge the affair. I refuse to accept his refusal to be truthful with me. Have other women that stayed temporarily for the children actually been able to do it? What do you think my chances are of sticking to this 4 year plan?

Thanks,

Planned Out

 

Dear Planned OUT,

You are not alone in your quandary about staying in your marriage for the sake of your son's emotional well being. (Please see my response to Stressed: Husband Torn Between His Wife and His Lover). The discovery of an affair usually kicks up a huge amount of pain and emotional distancing as it sounds like it has in your case. It is easy to understand why you are feeling resentful and frustrated about your husband's continued denial. But, the prevailing emotional tension and distrust is hardly condusive to creating a happy, stable home for your son, no matter how you and your husband try to cover it up. Have you considered how staying together for 4 years under these conditions might adversely affect your son?

Almost all unfaithful spouses deny having an affair when first caught, no matter what the evidence presented. Afterall, the basic groundrules of infidelity require being good at deception and denial. Deep down, your husband probably realizes how devastating an injury an affair is to you and your marriage. So one reason, he may be choosing to continue to deny it, is to protect you from further injury. What your husband doesn't realize is that it's not his honesty that will cause you pain at this point, it's his continued reluctance to tell the truth that keeps reinjuring you and adds fuel to your fire. Another fear your husband may be having is that if he finally does fess up, he may, thereafter, have to be accountable to you for his actions, words and deeds, those in the past, present and future. He may not want to give up his freedom or to you, this control. It sounds like you are both caught between a rock and a hard place as the saying goes. You're pressing for 'the truth', and his wanting to keep his private life, separate from you and private. Unfortunately, this is fertile soil in which affairs are enacted.

I admit that overcoming the betrayal of infidelity can be one of the most demanding challenges a marriage has to face. Discovery of an affair, doesn't have be an end to a marriage. It's like a ship striking an iceberg, very serious, but not necessarily terminal. However, you can't save a sinking marriage alone, it takes a team approach. It takes the two of you, willingly working together, with a mutual intention to rebuild a stronger marital foundation. Honesty and accountability is an integral element in this reconciliation. You mentioned that you were in counseling. I wonder if you were there for your own healing or as an attempt to heal your marriage. As you may have learned, marital therapy doesn't work without the two parties willingly participating. You don't have to wait for your husband to change. It's time to begin the healing process within yourself. You may not be able to change your husband or get him to 'tell the truth' but you can change your reaction to him and the choices you make by working on your ability to forgive.

Forgiveness is the opposite of resentment. When you resent, you continually re-send and refeel the injury and pain over and over. By holding onto distrust, resentment and fear, you not only block love from your husband, but also from your self, and even your son. It is impossible to resent (resend anger) and love at the same time. So, whenever you find yourself in anger, distrust, hurt, or fear, know that you are not capable of giving love to anyone in that moment. Often we hold onto our distrust and resentment because we fear that we can be hurt again, not realizing that we are being hurt again and again, not by him, but by our own thoughts that we keep replaying. I would like to suggest that you consider changing your goal. Instead of being a seeker of truth about your husbands indiscretions, work on being a seeker of peace, peace of your own mind and thoughts. Whenever you find yourself giving your power away to unhappy, negative thinking that justifies being angry instead of happy, tell yourself to STOP. Think of a way you can be loving to your SELF or someone you love. After the original injury, it's no longer the condition that is creating the pain, only how you choose to think about it and respond to it. Get off trying to get your husband to tell the truth. How will you know it's the truth? Work on exercising and strengthening your ability to love all the loveable things and people that are around you.

Whether you choose to stay in this marriage for 4 years or forever, or you choose to leave tomorrow, make a commitment to yourself not to waste one more precious moment holding onto the pain. Work on moving on, healing yourself, and making your peace of mind your goal will lead you to the right decision made by a full heart not an empty one.

All the best,

Sheri

The 'Ask Sheri' advice column, is made available for the sole purposes of providing general information and education and is not meant to serve as a substitute or replacement for therapy.