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Books Run your mouse over this symbol for more information

"Forgiveness:
The Greatest Healer of Them All"
Dr. Gerald Jampolsky

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"Repairing Your Marriage After His Affair" Drawing on their years of experience as professional therapists, authors explain how to heal the marriage bond and restore trust between partners.
By:Armand DiMele & Marcella Bakur Weiner
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"Surviving An Affair"Practical help for starting the healing process after an affair has rocked your relationship.
William F. Harley, Jr. MORE INFO / PURCHASE

"The Dance of Intimacy "A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships This book outlines the steps to take so that good relationships can be strengthened and difficult ones can be healed.
Harriet Lerner
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PURCHASE

"After the Affair"This book offers proven strategies for surviving the crisis and rebuilding trust in your relationship
Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D & Michael Spring

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"Healing a Broken Heart: A Guided Journal Through the Four Seasons of Relationship Recovery"
Sarah La Saulle & Sharon Kagan

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More books on recovering from affairs that I highly recommend.

Videos Run you mouse over this symbol  for more information.

A Roadmap to ForgivenessForgiveness is the willingness to let go of the hurtful past, our condemning judgments and grievances and instead choose inner peace. But where do we begin? Dr. Jampolsky addresses what forgiveness is, the health implications of being unforgiving and how to open the door to having more love in your life.

"Letting Go" Would you like to learn how to take your relationship deeper? Find out about the 4 stages of intimacy all relationships go through, the challenges we all face and how to move past them in order to create a safer, deeper, more sustainable relationship with your partner.

Yearners & Protectors: Which One Are You?See how easy it is to fall into patterns that block intimacy and what you can do to get the loving relationship you really want.

A Roadmap to IntimacyWould you like to learn how to take your relationship deeper? Find out about the 4 stages of intimacy all relationships go through, the challenges we all face and how to move past them in order to create a safer, deeper, more sustainable relationship with your partner.

"Love Fitness" Would you like to learn how to take your relationship deeper? Find out about the 4 stages of intimacy all relationships go through, the challenges we all face and how to move past them in order to create a safer, deeper, more sustainable relationship with your partner.

"What is REAL Love?"

"Mending Your Broken Heart" Would you like to learn how to take your relationship deeper? Find out about the 4 stages of intimacy all relationships go through, the challenges we all face and how to move past them in order to create a safer, deeper, more sustainable relationship with your partner.

"The Challenge and Beauty of Romantic Love" Would you like to learn how to take your relationship deeper? Find out about the 4 stages of intimacy all relationships go through, the challenges we all face and how to move past them in order to create a safer, deeper, more sustainable relationship with your partner.

Coping with Stress and AnxietyWould you like to learn how to take your relationship deeper? Find out about the 4 stages of intimacy all relationships go through, the challenges we all face and how to move past them in order to create a safer, deeper, more sustainable relationship with your partner.

How to Raise Your Self EsteemWhat you think, believe and tell yourself greatly influences how you feel and behave in life. Self-esteem, high or low, tends to be a generator of self fulfilling prophecies. Learn six action-based practices which can help you expand your capacity for success, happiness and love.

Taking Charge of Your LifeDo you have time to do all the things you want to? Learn to identify and eliminate the things in life that drain you and replace them with what fuels you.

Related Articles

Ways We Push Love From Our Life

Ways to Self-Nurture

LOVE

Ways To Expand Your Capacity to Love

Yearners and Protectors

More Q& A on Adultery

One Two Timing Man Too Many

He's Torn Between His Wife and His Old Lover

 
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From the Heart Media Television Shows and videos developed by media psychotherapist, interviewer and talk show host, Sheri Meyers Gantman, to facilitate personal growth and improve your health and relationships. Straight from the Heart TV
Sheri Meyers Gantman - Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
 
 

Can a Relationship Survive An Affair?

As a relationship expert and therapist, I have been asked to answer a lot of questions about relationships over the years. Most of the questions and concerns that are being expressed by my viewers and web site visitors are on topics that I think have universal interest. That's why I've decided to share some of these questions and my answers with you. Here's a forum in which you can help each other and be heard. If you have any experiences that you would like to share or comments to add to what has been written, I will post them here. Also, if you have any questions or concerns that you would like addressed, please email me and I will answer you on site. (Disclaimer and Terms of Use)

"Should She Stay for her Son?"


Dear Sheri,

After discovering the affair my husband was having for over a year (I tapped our phone and then confronted him with it) and after a year and a half of unsuccessful attempts to resolve it (I went to counseling , he refused to go saying "What are they going to do, interrogate me?"), I am going to leave him. But, not until our only child is out of high school which is in 4 years. My choice is based on my son's emotional stability. My husband refuses to acknowledge the affair. I refuse to accept his refusal to be truthful with me. Have other women that stayed temporarily for the children actually been able to do it? What do you think my chances are of sticking to this 4 year plan?

Thanks,

Planned Out

 

 
 

More 'Ask Sheri' Q & A on this topic

"My husband had an affair last year with a former lover from his past" (See: Torn Between His Wife & His Old Lover)

"I was with Billy for ten years, when suddenly and totally unexpectedly, he broke up with me....deep in my heart I knew that there was probably someone else. " (See: One Two Timing Man Too Many)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Dear Planned OUT,

You are not alone in your quandary about staying in your marriage for the sake of your son's emotional well being. (Please see my response to Stressed: Husband Torn Between His Wife and His Lover). The discovery of an affair usually kicks up a huge amount of pain and emotional distancing as it sounds like it has in your case. It is easy to understand why you are feeling resentful and frustrated about your husband's continued denial. But, the prevailing emotional tension and distrust is hardly condusive to creating a happy, stable home for your son, no matter how you and your husband try to cover it up. Have you considered how staying together for 4 years under these conditions might adversely affect your son?

Almost all unfaithful spouses deny having an affair when first caught, no matter what the evidence presented. Afterall, the basic groundrules of infidelity require being good at deception and denial. Deep down, your husband probably realizes how devastating an injury an affair is to you and your marriage. So one reason, he may be choosing to continue to deny it, is to protect you from further injury. What your husband doesn't realize is that it's not his honesty that will cause you pain at this point, it's his continued reluctance to tell the truth that keeps reinjuring you and adds fuel to your fire. Another fear your husband may be having is that if he finally does fess up, he may, thereafter, have to be accountable to you for his actions, words and deeds, those in the past, present and future. He may not want to give up his freedom or to you, this control. It sounds like you are both caught between a rock and a hard place as the saying goes. You're pressing for 'the truth', and his wanting to keep his private life, separate from you and private. Unfortunately, this is fertile soil in which affairs are enacted.

I admit that overcoming the betrayal of infidelity can be one of the most demanding challenges a marriage has to face. Discovery of an affair, doesn't have be an end to a marriage. It's like a ship striking an iceberg, very serious, but not necessarily terminal. However, you can't save a sinking marriage alone, it takes a team approach. It takes the two of you, willingly working together, with a mutual intention to rebuild a stronger marital foundation. Honesty and accountability is an integral element in this reconciliation. You mentioned that you were in counseling. I wonder if you were there for your own healing or as an attempt to heal your marriage. As you may have learned, marital therapy doesn't work without the two parties willingly participating. You don't have to wait for your husband to change. It's time to begin the healing process within yourself. You may not be able to change your husband or get him to 'tell the truth' but you can change your reaction to him and the choices you make by working on your ability to forgive.

Forgiveness is the opposite of resentment. When you resent, you continually re-send and refeel the injury and pain over and over. By holding onto distrust, resentment and fear, you not only block love from your husband, but also from your self, and even your son. It is impossible to resent (resend anger) and love at the same time. So, whenever you find yourself in anger, distrust, hurt, or fear, know that you are not capable of giving love to anyone in that moment. Often we hold onto our distrust and resentment because we fear that we can be hurt again, not realizing that we are being hurt again and again, not by him, but by our own thoughts that we keep replaying. I would like to suggest that you consider changing your goal. Instead of being a seeker of truth about your husbands indiscretions, work on being a seeker of peace, peace of your own mind and thoughts. Whenever you find yourself giving your power away to unhappy, negative thinking that justifies being angry instead of happy, tell yourself to STOP. Think of a way you can be loving to your SELF or someone you love. After the original injury, it's no longer the condition that is creating the pain, only how you choose to think about it and respond to it. Get off trying to get your husband to tell the truth. How will you know it's the truth? Work on exercising and strengthening your ability to love all the loveable things and people that are around you.

Whether you choose to stay in this marriage for 4 years or forever, or you choose to leave tomorrow, make a commitment to yourself not to waste one more precious moment holding onto the pain. Work on moving on, healing yourself, and making your peace of mind your goal will lead you to the right decision made by a full heart not an empty one.

All the best,

Sheri

The 'Ask Sheri' advice column, is made available for the sole purposes of providing general information and education and is not meant to serve as a substitute or replacement for therapy.

 

Can you relate?
Do you have any suggestions, comments or feedback for 'Planned Out'? Please send them to me and I will post them here.

CR Writes:
"I would like to respond by telling Planned Out that no matter what path you choose to take, you'll always have the love and support from your family."

Ken Writes:
"About a year ago I started an affair with a co worker.... to all who are thinking about having an affair
(either on-line or in real life) stop and think about what you are doing. Nothing good will come out of a relationship based on lies." (more)


Scott Writes:
"A year ago I had an affair. At the time I did not even think of the implications should this be discovered. I drank more and more to cover the feelings that tried to surface. " (more)


Alma writes:
"My husband and I have been together for 21 years. For the last 14 years, he's been having affairs..."(more)

 

 

 



 

Do you have any suggestions, comments or feedback for 'Planned Out'? Please send them to me and I will post them here.

"I would like to respond by telling Planned Out that no matter what path you choose to take, you'll always have the love and support from your family." CR


I have been married for 10 yrs, about a year ago I started an affair with a co worker. After being confronted many many times, and after all my denying. I came clean. This affair has devastated my wife and our 2 little girls. I promised never to have anymore contact with this "other" woman (who is in an abusive relationship). She bought me a cell phone to keep in contact with her. God I knew it was wrong, in my own sick mind I felt that by accepting it I would be helping her, I was drawn into her problems and as a result may have lost the woman I truly love, my wife. I gave the phone back and have since not had any contact with her at all. I want to make my marrige work so much, my wife is the most beautiful woman and has the most passion I have ever been given. I'm not sure on where you can post this, but to all who are thinking about having an affair ( either on-line or in real life) stop and think about what you are doing. nothing good will come out of a relationship based on lies. Thank you for listening to me. Ken


I have been married to my wife for eleven years. We have three young boys and successful careers. A year ago I had an affair. At the time I did not even think of the implications should this be discovered. I drank more and more to cover the feelings that tried to surface. As the relationship progressed I felt deep regret but also knew I had already committed the ultimate sin. From that point on I found it hard to face my wife because I knew she knew something was going on. She was there for me fighting to get me back but I gave her the cold shoulder. I had no real feelings with the woman I had an affair with I think it was just my own insecurities about my relationship with my wife. Once my wife began to fight for me I realized she loved me more than ever and I took that for granted in the past. It was an eye opener for me, it is sad it happened this way. Now I love her (actually never stopped) more than ever and she recently told me she cannot get over it and wants to divorce. I am so scared to lose her, I love her with all of my heart. I understand I devastated her and broke her trust. I talk to her occasionally and let her know these things and she thinks we need to separate so she can make up her mind. I understand she needs her space but I am also afraid she will be gone forever. Its not that I am afraid to be alone but I truly am afraid to lose her for I love her. Scott


My husband and I have been together for 21 years. For the last 14 years, he's been having affairs with different women. I know I should leave him but I am staying because of our son. I know that's not right. " Alma

 



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