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"Repairing Your Marriage After His Affair" Drawing on their years of experience as professional therapists, authors explain how to heal the marriage bond and restore trust between partners.
By:Armand DiMele & Marcella Bakur Weiner
MORE INFO / PURCHASE

"Surviving An Affair"Practical help for starting the healing process after an affair has rocked your relationship.
William F. Harley, Jr. MORE INFO / PURCHASE

"The Dance of Intimacy "A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships This book outlines the steps to take so that good relationships can be strengthened and difficult ones can be healed.
Harriet Lerner
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PURCHASE

"After the Affair"This book offers proven strategies for surviving the crisis and rebuilding trust in your relationship
Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D & Michael Spring

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More books on recovering from affairs that I highly recommend.

Videos Run you mouse over this symbol  for more information.

Yearners & Protectors: Which One Are You?See how easy it is to fall into patterns that block intimacy and what you can do to get the loving relationship you really want.

"Mending Your Broken Heart"Forgiveness is the willingness to let go of the hurtful past, our condemning judgments and grievances and instead choose inner peace. But where do we begin? Dr. Jampolsky addresses what forgiveness is, the health implications of being unforgiving and how to open the door to having more love in your life.

Love FitnessForgiveness is the willingness to let go of the hurtful past, our condemning judgments and grievances and instead choose inner peace. But where do we begin? Dr. Jampolsky addresses what forgiveness is, the health implications of being unforgiving and how to open the door to having more love in your life.

From Longing to BelongingForgiveness is the willingness to let go of the hurtful past, our condemning judgments and grievances and instead choose inner peace. But where do we begin? Dr. Jampolsky addresses what forgiveness is, the health implications of being unforgiving and how to open the door to having more love in your life.

ForgivenessForgiveness is the willingness to let go of the hurtful past, our condemning judgments and grievances and instead choose inner peace. But where do we begin? Dr. Jampolsky addresses what forgiveness is, the health implications of being unforgiving and how to open the door to having more love in your life.

A Roadmap to IntimacyWould you like to learn how to take your relationship deeper? Find out about the 4 stages of intimacy all relationships go through, the challenges we all face and how to move past them in order to create a safer, deeper, more sustainable relationship with your partner.

How to Raise Your Self EsteemWhat you think, believe and tell yourself greatly influences how you feel and behave in life. Self-esteem, high or low, tends to be a generator of self fulfilling prophecies. Learn six action-based practices which can help you expand your capacity for success, happiness and love.

"The Challenge & Beauty of Romantic Love" Do you have time to do all the things you want to? Learn to identify and eliminate the things in life that drain you and replace them with what fuels you.

Taking Charge of Your LifeDo you have time to do all the things you want to? Learn to identify and eliminate the things in life that drain you and replace them with what fuels you.

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Yearners and Protectors

 
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From the Heart Media Television Shows and videos developed by media psychotherapist, interviewer and talk show host, Sheri Meyers Gantman, to facilitate personal growth and improve your health and relationships. Straight from the Heart TV
Sheri Meyers Gantman - Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
 
 

Can a Relationship Survive An Affair?

As a relationship expert and therapist, I have been asked to answer a lot of questions about relationships over the years. Most of the questions and concerns that are being expressed by my viewers and web site visitors are on topics that I think have universal interest. That's why I've decided to share some of these questions and my answers with you. Here's a forum in which you can help each other and be heard. If you have any experiences that you would like to share or comments to add to what has been written, I will post them here. Also, if you have any questions or concerns that you would like addressed, please email me and I will answer you on site. (Disclaimer and Terms of Use)

"Torn Betweeen His Wife and His Old Lover"


Dear Sheri,

I am stuggling with an issue in my marriage. My husband had an affair last year with a former lover from his past (before he knew me). We have been married for 12 years and during that time he tells me he was not unfaithful before this. He says that he loves this person as he loves me and plans to stay in contact with her via phone and email. At the end of each phone conversation he tells her he loves her. This is very stressing for me but we do have two small children which I would like to raise as a traditional family. Do you have any suggestions of books or videos or shows that might help me deal with this issue?

Thanks,

Stressed

  After discovering and confronting the affair my husband was having for over a year and many unsuccessful attempts to resolve it...(See Should She Stay for Her Son?)

"I was with Billy for ten years, when suddenly and totally unexpectedly, he broke up with me....deep in my heart I knew that there was probably someone else. " (See: One Two Timing Man Too Many)

 

 

 

 


Dear Stressed,   

Essentially you are saying that to stay married and raise your kids in a traditional household, you are willing to stand by and allow your husband to flaunt his infidelity and feelings for another woman in your face. Every marriage must withstand many challenges, but overcoming the betrayal of infidelity can be the most demanding of them all. I would venture to say, that as long as she remains in the picture, the chance of the two of you getting close and rebuilding your relationship is close to nil. Affairs are about betrayal and your husband is betraying your matrimonial bonds and showing you great disrespect by continuing to talk to and stay in contact with his former lover. It's virtually impossible to begin to heal and rebuild your relationship without your husband showing empathy for the pain he caused you and his assuming responsibility to work with you to save the marriage at all costs. The discovery of an affair, although painful, can come with great gifts. It an opportunity to rebuild trust and renegotiate your relationship and rebuild it from the ground up .But, it takes TWO to make a marriage work. You can't do it alone.

Since you stated that you want to stay in your marriage, it's important to look at and recognize the vulnerabilities in your marriage that made the affair possible. Think about the kind of marriage you want to have. The place you can begin to work is on yourself and your own self-worth. What brings you happiness? What are your interests in life, other than this relationship. Think of ways to make life more fun for yourself. It's time to start pursuing your own interests and becoming your own person. I have found that as one partner's self-esteem grows, the other partner's interest increases. As you withdraw so much energy from the relationship and start investing more time and focus on pleasing yourself, you'll find yourself becoming more whole and happier.

All the best,

Sheri

 

Do you have any suggestions, comments or feedback for 'Stressed'? Please send them to me and I will post them here.

Ravati writes...

"Your solution is simple. Leave him. The time to do this is now, before the children are fully old enough to completely realize the duplicity of their father."
(More)

Older and Wiser Writes...

Your husband, by openly continuing his affair is essentially engaging in a "plural marriage" with two wives ...Take it from me, emotional affairs are just as devastating, perhaps even more than pure physical flings.
(More)

 

 

 



Your Comments and Feedback

From Revati:

Dear Stressed,

Your solution is simple. Leave him.
You deserve, and will attract, a man who will love you and only you, along WITH your gorgeous, precious little ones. The time to do this is now, before the children are fully old enough to completely realize the duplicity of their father. If you have a boy, imagine the lesson that will teach him about how males are to behave towards women: "I heard my father say 'I love you' to another woman on the phone. And mom acted like it was okay... so it must be okay." If you have a girl, seeing her father treat you like this will devastate her. I had a father who did this to my mother, and at 33 I cannot open my heart to a man. I was 6 when I noticed what was happening. And my mother okayed it. Somehow this made it much worse. So think of your children.
NEVER think you won't find another man. You will find one, and he will be truer, better, gentler, more committed than the liar in your life right now. The first step in claiming a happier new life is to step into that life. Leave this man at once. Take the children and move in with your sister, your mother, or take a new home for yourself. Your cheating husband will immediately come looking for you. This is your moment to look him in the eye and say, "No thanks. Go back to the woman from your past." And "Goodbye." I promise you, when you're in the arms of the man who will love you and cherish your children, you'll look back on your first husband and wonder what you were thinking.
No compromises. No negotiation. Pack your things right now, get the kids dressed, and EXIT.

Revati

From Older & Wiser

Dear Stressed,

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. What I'm about to say will seem very harsh to you, but please read all the way to the end, and consider carefully what I have to say. Believe it or not, I've been in your shoes before...and hers.

So you want to raise your children in a "traditional family"? That is simply not possible in the scenario you describe. Your husband, by openly continuing his affair is essentially engaging in a "plural marriage" with two wives: you and his lover. Even if they are never physically intimate again, the ongoing contact and expressions of love (IN FRONT OF YOU?!!) between your husband and his lover constitute an a continuing emotional affair. Take it from me, emotional affairs are just as devastating, perhaps even more than pure physical flings.
And guess what, Stessed, YOU are the wife who gets to cook for, clean up after, perform childcare for, and otherwise cater to this selfish jerk. Sounds like the other woman has a pretty good deal- she gets to be admired and adored with no commitments, no maintenence, and no strings.

This so-called "family" situation is anything but traditional. It is sick, sick, SICK! Is this the kind of example you want to set for your children? If you allow this surreal arrangement to continue, then both your husband and YOU are emotionally abusing your children. I urge you to dig down deep inside, and ask yourself- are you really concerned for your children? Or are you simply afraid to be an adult, and face the world without a man? You have got to grow up, toughen up, and REALLY put your children first-- not YOUR fear, not YOUR insecurity, or YOUR lack of courage.

Take responsibility for your life and the well-being of your children, and leave him now. He will never, ever change- believe me. I was the "other woman" who "won" and got my man... as anyone with a brain would have predicted, he did the same thing to me 5 years later, after we had a child together. Now, after years of therapy- I finally have my act together and can face the awful reality of what we all did- as immature, selfish and cowardly adults, we (him, his first wife, and me) almost ruined the lives of 2 beautiful innocent children (his first, and ours). Don't make the same mistake. Gather your courage and leave.

-Older and Wiser Now

 


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