OVER-INVOLVED IN-LAWS
I feel suffocated by my pushy in-laws involvement with my kids. How do I get more space from them?

Dear Dr. Sheri

I am writing to you to ask your advice on a matter that has been troubling me for several years now. My husband and I have been married for over 4 years and we have two children together. His mother and stepfather are extremely involved in our lives as they watch our two children on Saturdays while my husband works and I attend school. I appreciate all of their help, as I know how expensive it would be to hire a sitter, but I also feel that this gives them the opportunity to spend time with the children and get their fill. Therefore killing two birds with one stone. On weeks that they do not have to watch the children, they feel that I owe it to them to make sure they spend another day during the week with them, which is not always convenient for me. I have a large family which I do not see as often as my in-laws, but everytime I do, my mother-in-law gets extremely territorial and feels that we need to see her 3 times more than we see my family. I constantly have to explain my actions to her regarding our decisions about my daughter and I constantly have to justify myself for spending time with people other than her.

My husband and I signed my children up for activities so that they can socialize with other children and so that I can spend some one-on-one time with them in a setting outside of our home. My in-laws show up at the activities almost every other week and take over. My mother in-law embarrasses me in front of the other parents because she looks like a psycho papparazzi member with her camera flashing, and she makes comments in front of the other parents how my daughter and son are ahead of all the other children. I am trying hard to teach my children to treat everyone the same and to help those who are less fortunate. I am afraid that by my mother-in-law bragging in front of the other parents that she will create animosity towards my children.

When they baby-sit my children they do not follow the schedules that we have during the week as far as eating and napping. I have tried reasoning with them, but they seem to ignore what I say. For example, I explained to them that the last time I took my daughter to the doctor's, I told the MD that she is a picky eater. The doctor suggested that I present the food in a different way by not offering my daughter an alternative menu. I told my in-laws what the doctor suggested and they refuse to listen. Every time I come home from school they are cooking her 2 or 3 different things until they find something she will eat. They tell me she didn't want to take a nap, so they didn't make her. My daughter acts very fresh to me when they are around and when I try to correct her, I feel like I am always the bad guy. Then she starts this big drama act in front of my in-laws because she knows she can get away with it, and my father-in-law offers her money to stop her from the big act.

My husband tells me not to answer the phone if they call and not to answer the door if they come over unannounced. That doesn't work either. The morning after Christmas, I was relaxing in my pajamas with my children after a very long and hectic week, when someone knocked on my side door. Since I hadn't received a phone call first I assumed it was one of my neighbors. Then I hear the person go to my front door and knock. Then back to the side door and front door 2 more times each before I saw the side door handle opening with a key. It was my father-in-law. I can't even relax in my own home for one day without them barging in on me. We just saw them the day before for 8 hours, then a couple days before that when he showed up at my daughter's dance class, then a couple days before when they babysat and stayed for 3 hours after I got home from school.

I do not know what to do, but the situation is way out of hand. I feel as if I am the babysitter and my husband and my in-laws are the parents of my children. I do not want to cause friction between my husband and myself, but sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel. I have tried to give them hints, I have come right out and told them in a gentle way, and I have come right out and been a bitch which is the exact opposite of my personality. My husband never addresses the problem so I I have to handle it. I feel that I should not have to keep addressing this problem, I feel that they should just know better and stop being so pushy.

I left a good job to stay home with my children after the birth of my son because I wanted to enjoy my children. My in-laws are making it difficult for me to do when they want to spend every day with my kids. I understand that grandparents love their grandchildren, but I would like a little privacy and space sometimes. Please help me. I think I am going crazy.

Sincerely, TOV

 

Dear TOV,

I was moved by your letter for two reasons. First of all, it shows what an amazing and devoted parent you are. Your kids are fortunate to have a mom who goes the extra mile to deal with socialization activities, food issues, and teaching your kids the value of respect for the less fortunate. The second thing that moved me was how frustrating it must be to have such invasive and non-empathic in-laws.

Based on the research I did for my book WHEN DIFFICULT RELATIVES HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Over 65% of us have difficult in-laws or other invasive, out-to-lunch relatives. So it’s important that you find a way to take good care of yourself and your kids even if your in-laws don’t change very much and even if your husband continues to be unable to stand up to them. I applaud you for setting some limits with your in-laws and I’m so sorry that they seem unable to get the message that you and your husband have the right to some privacy and independence.

Since your in-laws probably aren’t going to change very much, what can change dramatically is your internal reactions to them. Some ways to take good care of yourself might include using your sense of humor when you’re around your in-laws. You can say to yourself, “Thank God I don’t live with these people 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” Or “Thank you Spirit for showing me such a clear example of how I don’t want to treat other people.” Or when they do something embarrassing or insensitive, you can say to yourself, “Wow! This is amazing! I have so much compassion right now for how hard it must have been for my husband to grow up with two parents who are so out of touch.”

You can also reassure yourself that research shows most young children at a very early age can tell the difference between the solid values and limits their parents teach them versus the spoiling values and inconsistent limits some grandparents teach them. Unless a grandparent is physically or sexually abusive, our kids aren’t really going to be ruined by the differing things the grandparent says or does. In fact, on some level your kids probably prefer the clearer limits and humane values you are teaching them, even if they act up toward you when they’re around your in-laws. It’s just a test to see if the solid limits and good values of mom and dad are still real and dependable.

I would love for you and your husband to seek counseling to find a way to be a united front toward your in-laws and also to make sure your in-laws don’t put a wedge into your marriage. I don’t blame or judge your husband because it’s extremely hard for most people to stand up to invasive parents. Yet I do think that some counseling would help strengthen the bond and the understanding between the two of you so that the clumsy invasiveness of your in-laws doesn’t cause additional damage. In addition, your husband could benefit from reading the section of my book that describes which comeback lines can set firm limits with invasive relatives without causing World War III and which comeback lines are to be avoided because they only make matters worse.

Good luck,
Leonard Felder, PhD
Author, WHEN DIFFICULT RELATIVES HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE

Dear TOV,

I think that this is a good time to plug a great show that Len and I did on the topic of handling difficult relative situations and crisis. It's called "Creative Solutions for Handling Difficult Relatives." On the show we address ways to improve family get-togethers and holiday visits; setting boundaries using humor, detachment and love; the most common mistakes we make that actually increase family tension, as well as, when and how to change a family pattern you don't like.

A long with what Len has already said above, I believe that it's time to kindly but firmly take care of your needs and set new house rules. I'd like to suggest using the caring sandwich technique we demonstrated on our show. It's great to utilize when asking another for a change in behavior. It has 3 components that go like this:

1. (The bread) Start with a positive and true statement that you can genuinely and sincerely say that focuses on something you admire or enjoy about your in-laws. (Such as how much your in-laws obviously love their grandchildren and how lucky the kids are to be so loved by them).

2. (The filling) Then gently* make a clear request explaining the behaviors you'd like to change, such as their dropping by unannounced or showing up to activities uninvited and talk about the specific ways you would like for it to be different. *Do this without blaming, lecturing, attacking or accusing.

3. (The bread) Follow with another supportive comment that recognizes their positive behaviors and invites them to become cooperative allies. "Since we all love the kids and understand that we each want our special time with them I know that we can work together and work this out."

Essentially you are buffering your criticism and/or request for change by surrounding it with two caring comments. I have found that whenever I use this approach the person I'm addressing usually softens and wants to work with me. At least they hear me out. It's a great tool for your communication toolbox.

Please let me know how it all turns out.

Sheri

 

MEDDLING PARENTS
My interfering parents
are ruining my marriage. What do I do?

 

Dear Dr. Sheri

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. My parents have never really liked my husband, because to them he is not a good supporter. When we were first married, my husband had a good job working in a carpenters union.
My parents did not like the kind of work he was doing, because they said it was not stable enough work in their opinion. But we always did pretty good. When I got pregnant with our son, they complained even more and said that I should leave him, because he was not making enough, to support all three of us. So to satisfy them, he quit the union which was the worst thing that he ever did, because he has not found stable work since. We had to file bankruptcy.

After that we moved to a town near where they live. I also work for the same employer as my mother. Two years ago we found out that our son is Autistic and also has speech difficulties. So my husband stays home with our son while I go to work. It is a lot of pressure for me to support all three of us, and to have to listen to my parents put my husband down, even though my son needs the one on one that he would not get at a daycare or babysitter. My husband would like to go to school and get a degree so he could find a good job, but every time he tries to accomplish something, they run him down and it is just not good enough.

We have thought about getting divorced, but we believe we are better together, not only for each other but for our son. If you have any advice, it would be appreciated.


confused

 

 

Dear Confused,
I was very moved by your letter because I am also the parent of a special needs child. I applaud you and your husband for doing your very best to take good care of your son, to build a healthy and respectful marriage, and to dodge the verbal bullets from your parents. We can't change the fact that your parents are very focused on income, but we can make sure that you and your husband continue to treat one another with love, patience, and great teamwork. I hope your husband does gradually find a way to finish his degree and provide a second income even as the two of you provide great care for your son. Your story is heroic and I hope one day your parents will realize that you and your husband are both good people and worthy of respect and support. In the meantime, please know that I and every other parent of a special needs child is rooting for your family to stay strong and united.

Be well,
Leonard Felder, PhD
Author, WHEN DIFFICULT RELATIVES HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE

Dear Confused,

It's time to end the painful power struggle and split loyalties between you, your parents and your husband. If YOU are angry that your husband isn't working or gets to stay home with your son while you have to work, then you must look at this and deal with the feelings this arrangement evokes. Sometimes we unconsciously use people on the outside to mirror what we don't want to admit on the inside. Are your parents voicing your inner feelings? If you are truly ok with the arrangement you described, then it's time to stand by your husband and commit to creating a cohesive, "united front," an "us" to the outside world that nobody can shatter. That is a primary task in marriage, to shift from being united with our 'family of origin' to being united as a husband and wife team.

What works for other people, including your parents, isn't always what is best for your marriage. You and your husband must take charge of your own lives and do what is best for you as a couple and as parents to your son. It's time to tell your parents that you love them and appreciate their concern but that you will no longer listen to any negative criticism or suggestions they make that are damaging to your marriage. In other words, you must take them out of the decision-making loop and become the captains of your own' love boat'.

Wishing you all of the best,

Sheri

 

SETTING BOUNDARIES

How can I help my daughter set boundaries and
with her grandparents?

 

Dear Dr. Sheri

I've been divorced for 13 years, my daughter's dad has been remarried 3 times and doesn't spend much time with our daughter. When he does, his approach is resentful and critical if she makes decisions on her own. My daughter and I are Christians, while her father and his parents are not. Though I know they all love her dearly, their unrealistic expectations and critical communication create a lot of frustration and anger in her. She responds by becoming anxious and depressed and has difficulty functioning at school, and at home. She yearns to gain their unconditional acceptance and approval. Their love is usually expressed as performance-based and conditional.

Our daughter is now 18 and I am encouraging her to set some boundaries and protect her heart. Since she has such a forgiving and merciful heart, she doesn't want to communicate in a way that might hurt the feelings of her loved ones. How can I best support my daughter so that she can finally begin the healing process and gain a healthier self image? I want desperately to protect her from further damage to her spirit, but I know I must teach her coping skills in interacting with her relatives. Any insight you can provide would be a huge blessing.

Thanks so much.

Concerned Mom