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Dr. Sheri talking about

"The Effect of Divorce on Kids"
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56K Modem

The Roadmap to ForgivenessForgiveness is the willingness to let go of the hurtful past, our condemning judgments and grievances and instead choose inner peace. But where do we begin? Dr. Jampolsky addresses what forgiveness is, the health implications of being unforgiving and how to open the door to having more love in your life.

Letting Go Forgiveness is the willingness to let go of the hurtful past, our condemning judgments and grievances and instead choose inner peace. But where do we begin? Dr. Jampolsky addresses what forgiveness is, the health implications of being unforgiving and how to open the door to having more love in your life.

New Skills for Frazzled ParentsSee how easy it is to fall into patterns that block intimacy and what you can do to get the loving relationship you really want.

Yearners & Protectors: Which One Are You?See how easy it is to fall into patterns that block intimacy and what you can do to get the loving relationship you really want.

A Roadmap to IntimacyWould you like to learn how to take your relationship deeper? Find out about the 4 stages of intimacy all relationships go through, the challenges we all face and how to move past them in order to create a safer, deeper, more sustainable relationship with your partner.

Coming Apart What you think, believe and tell yourself greatly influences how you feel and behave in life. Self-esteem, high or low, tends to be a generator of self fulfilling prophecies. Learn six action-based practices which can help you expand your capacity for success, happiness and love.

Mending Your Broken HeartWhat you think, believe and tell yourself greatly influences how you feel and behave in life. Self-esteem, high or low, tends to be a generator of self fulfilling prophecies. Learn six action-based practices which can help you expand your capacity for success, happiness and love.

What is 'Real' Love?What you think, believe and tell yourself greatly influences how you feel and behave in life. Self-esteem, high or low, tends to be a generator of self fulfilling prophecies. Learn six action-based practices which can help you expand your capacity for success, happiness and love.

Books Run your mouse over this symbol for more information

"Forgiveness:
The Greatest Healer of Them All"
Dr. Gerald Jampolsky

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"Coming Apart:Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours"
MORE INFO / PURCHASE

"Mars & Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After A Painful Breakup, Divorce, or Loss of A Loved One"
MORE INFO / PURCHASE

"The Fresh Start Divorce Workbook"This book offers proven strategies for surviving the crisis and rebuilding trust in your relationship
Bob Burns

MORE INFO / PURCHASE

"Healing a Broken Heart: A Guided Journal Through the Four Seasons of Relationship Recovery"
Sarah La Saulle & Sharon Kagan

MORE INFO / PURCHASE


More books on divorce and custody that I highly recommend.

Related Articles

Ways We Push Love From Our Life

Ways to Self-Nurture

LOVE

Ways To Expand Your Capacity to Love

Yearners and Protectors

More Q& A
Coming Apart



 
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From the Heart Media Television Shows and videos developed by media psychotherapist, interviewer and talk show host, Sheri Meyers Gantman, to facilitate personal growth and improve your health and relationships. Straight from the Heart TV
Sheri Meyers Gantman - Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
 
 

Getting A Divorce? Parents Have to be Bigger Than Their Hate

As a relationship expert and therapist, I have been asked to answer a lot of questions about relationships over the years. Most of the questions and concerns that are being expressed by my viewers and web site visitors are on topics that I think have universal interest. That's why I've decided to share some of these questions and my answers with you. Here's a forum in which you can help each other and be heard. If you have any experiences that you would like to share or comments to add to what has been written, I will post them here. Also, if you have any questions or concerns that you would like addressed, please email me and I will answer you on site. (Disclaimer and Terms of Use)

"Divorcing Parents Want to Spare the Kids"


Dear Sheri,

I am going through a divorce and have 2 kids, ages 6 & 8. Being a child of divorce myself, I know what it feels like to be put in the middle of a tug of war between divorcing parents. I can't tell you how many times my mother berated my father for how stingy and controlling he was and my father criticized my mother for how cold and unloving she was. I was made to feel guilty and disloyal for loving the "other" parent. I don't want to put my kids through what I went through. I can't sleep at night worrying so much. Thank God, at least my husband agrees that he also wants to spare the kids as much pain as possible. Any suggestions? 

Karen, Los Angeles, CA

 

 
  More 'Ask Sheri' Q & A on this topic

"I was married for 15 years to a  successful, professional man whom I dearly loved and trusted.  Two years ago, he announced that he wanted his freedom so he could marry someone else... " (See: Coming Apart)

"I am at a point in my life where I have come to the conclusion where I feel I must break the heart of my wife. "
(See: Time to End the Marriage)
 


Dear Karen, 

Your children are lucky to have parents who are so aware of the potential traumatic land mines that can affect them and who are committed to work together to make this family transition go as smoothly as possible.

As you learned, first hand, it is not the divorce itself that hurts children in the long run, as much as how it is handled by the parents. Parent's have to be bigger than their hate. This means not making negative remarks about the other parent in front of the children, blaming the other for the divorce, or using the child as a spy or informant. Your children may be fearful of abandonment and that they could be "divorced" too if they do something wrong.. Reassure your kids of your continuing love and make it clear that they are free to love and be close to both parents.

Let your kids know, well in advance, what new living arrangements and changes are going to affect them. Problems are bound to arise; however, when things go "wrong" focus on "what is wrong" not "who is wrong." If either parent is angry, there is a good chance that your child will be too. Offer opportunities to express feelings about the divorce and try to stay non-reactive. Avoid the usual pitfalls of overindulging him or her with toys and treats out of guilt. 

If you are feeling stressed, seek help. Find a counselor, support group or friendly ear to turn to. Sometimes just talking helps. It is vital for all parents to remember that our children have certain basic needs: adequate physical care, flexible access to both parents, a tension-free environment and plenty of love and acceptance. These are the ingredients that contribute to the growth and happiness of our children.

Sheri

P.S. If you are interested in books that can help you and your family, please click here: Books on Divorce.

See Dr. Sheri discuss the effect that divorce has on kids.Click here: Broadband or 56K Modem

The 'Ask Sheri' advice column, is made available for the sole purposes of providing general information and education and is not meant to serve as a substitute or replacement for therapy.

 

Can you relate?
Do you have any suggestions, comments or feedback for 'Karen'? Please send them to me and I will post them here.

Pamela writes:
"My parents divorced when I was 14. I was caught in the middle, moving between households every week." (more)

 

Gail writes:"I made a pack with my ex-husband, that no matter how we feel about each other, that our love for our kids will always come first." (more)

 

Paulina writes: My problem is that unlike most fathers who don't blame their kids, my husband told me, the judge and our children, that he didn't leave because he had a problem with me, but that he was tired of being a dad." (more)

 



 

Do you have any suggestions, comments or feedback for 'Karen'? Please send them to me and I will post them here.


Pamela writes: "My parents divorced when I was 14. I was caught in the middle, moving between households every week, I felt like I was the limp rope being constantly pulled in the tug-of-war they were playing. Sure, I got lots of goodies as they competed for my love and vied to be "the better parent." In truth, I just hated them for hating each other. All I really wanted was a safe and loving home. Instead I got a war zone." Pamela in Wisconsin

Gail writes: "I have two daughters. I made a pack with my ex-husband, that no matter how we feel about each other, that our love for our kids will always come first. I am supportive of my daughter's relationship with their father, I never talk about him negatively in front of them, and I invite him to their birthday parties and important occassions. It has worked out well over the years and my girls have adjused to the divorce without much trauma." Gail in Los Angeles

Paulina has a different problem than Karen. "I'm going through a divorce. I have two kids ages 12 & 18. My problem is that unlike most fathers who don't blame their kids, my husband told me, the judge and our children, that he didn't leave because he had a problem with me, but that he was tired of being a dad. How will my children ever get through that being said to them?" Paulina in Texas


If you have questions or concerns that you would like addressed or comments for those who have written in, please click here to email Sheri

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