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Getting A Divorce?
Parents Have to be Bigger Than Their Hate
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As a relationship expert
and therapist, I have been asked to answer a lot
of questions about relationships over the years. Most
of the questions and concerns that are being expressed
by my viewers and web site visitors are on topics
that I think have universal interest. That's
why I've decided to share some of these questions
and my answers with you. Here's a forum in
which you can help each other and be heard. If
you have any experiences that you would like to
share or comments to add to what has been written,
I will post them here. Also, if you have
any questions or concerns that you would like
addressed, please email me and I will
answer you on site. (Disclaimer
and Terms of Use)
"Divorcing Parents Want to
Spare the Kids"
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Dear Sheri,
I
am going through a divorce and have
2 kids, ages 6 & 8. Being
a child of divorce myself, I know
what it feels like to be put in
the middle of a tug of war between
divorcing parents. I can't tell
you how many times my mother berated
my father for how stingy and controlling
he was and my father criticized
my mother for how cold and unloving
she was. I was made to feel
guilty and disloyal for loving the
"other" parent. I
don't want to put my kids through
what I went through. I can't
sleep at night worrying so much. Thank
God, at least my husband agrees
that he also wants to spare the
kids as much pain as possible. Any
suggestions?
Karen,
Los Angeles, CA
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More
'Ask Sheri' Q & A on this topic
"I was married for 15 years to
a successful, professional man
whom I dearly loved and trusted.
Two years ago, he announced that he
wanted his freedom so he could marry
someone else... " (See:
Coming Apart)
"I am at a point in my life where
I have come to the conclusion where
I feel I must break the heart of my
wife. "
(See: Time to End the Marriage) |
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Dear Karen,
Your
children are lucky to have parents
who are so aware of the potential
traumatic land mines that can affect
them and who are committed to work
together to make this family transition
go as smoothly as possible.
As
you learned, first hand, it is not
the divorce itself that hurts children
in the long run, as much as how
it is handled by the parents. Parent's
have to be bigger than their hate.
This means not making negative remarks
about the other parent in front
of the children, blaming the
other for the divorce, or using
the child as a spy or informant. Your
children may be fearful of abandonment
and that they could be "divorced"
too if they do something wrong..
Reassure your kids of your continuing
love and make it clear that
they are free to love and be close
to both parents.
Let
your kids know, well in advance,
what new living arrangements and
changes are going to affect them. Problems
are bound to arise; however,
when things go "wrong"
focus on "what is wrong" not
"who is wrong."
If either parent is angry, there
is a good chance that your child
will be too. Offer opportunities
to express feelings about the divorce
and try to stay non-reactive. Avoid the
usual pitfalls of overindulging
him or her with toys and treats
out of guilt.
If
you are feeling stressed, seek help. Find
a counselor, support group or
friendly ear to turn to. Sometimes
just talking helps. It is vital
for all parents to remember that
our children have certain basic
needs: adequate physical care,
flexible access to both parents,
a tension-free environment and plenty
of love and acceptance. These
are the ingredients that contribute
to the growth and happiness of our
children.
Sheri
P.S.
If you are interested in books that
can help you and your family, please
click here:
Books on Divorce.
See Dr. Sheri discuss
the effect
that divorce has on kids.Click
here: Broadband
or 56K
Modem
The
'Ask Sheri' advice column, is made
available for the sole purposes
of providing general information
and education and is not meant to
serve as a substitute or replacement
for therapy.
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Can
you relate?
Do you have any suggestions, comments
or feedback for 'Karen'? Please send
them to me and I will post them
here.
Pamela
writes:
"My
parents divorced when I was 14. I
was caught in the middle, moving between
households every week." (more)
Gail writes:"I
made a pack with my ex-husband, that
no matter how we feel about each other,
that our love for our kids will always
come first." (more)
Paulina writes: My
problem is that unlike most fathers
who don't blame their kids, my husband
told me, the judge and our children,
that he didn't leave because he had
a problem with me, but that he was
tired of being a dad." (more)
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Do you have
any suggestions, comments or feedback
for 'Karen'? Please send
them to me and I will post them
here.
Pamela writes:
"My
parents divorced when I was 14. I
was caught in the middle, moving between
households every week, I felt like
I was the limp rope being constantly
pulled in the tug-of-war they were
playing. Sure, I got lots of goodies
as they competed for my love and vied
to be "the better parent."
In truth, I just hated them for hating
each other. All I really wanted was
a safe and loving home. Instead I
got a war zone." Pamela in Wisconsin
Gail
writes:
"I have two daughters. I made
a pack with my ex-husband, that no
matter how we feel about each other,
that our love for our kids will always
come first. I am supportive of my
daughter's relationship with their
father, I never talk about him negatively
in front of them, and I invite him
to their birthday parties and important
occassions. It has worked out well
over the years and my girls have adjused
to the divorce without much trauma."
Gail
in Los Angeles
Paulina has
a different problem than Karen. "I'm
going through a divorce. I have two
kids ages 12 & 18. My problem
is that unlike most fathers who don't
blame their kids, my husband told
me, the judge and our children, that
he didn't leave because he had a problem
with me, but that he was tired of
being a dad. How will my children
ever get through that being said to
them?"
Paulina in Texas
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