Dear Straight from the Hearter,
am often asked by many couples,"What does
it take to jump start our stagnated relationship
and restore the romantic, passionate feelings
that first brought us together?"
I tell them that the number one challenge for
most partners in long-term relationships is
learning how to maintain the balance between
intimacy and the
demands of everyday life. Work, kids, projects,errands,
bills, worries are just a few of the many distractions
that can fizzle the sizzle of romantic love.
of us can remember the early days of love, when
our powerful emotions and surging hormones naturally
drove us to
be closer and more intimate with our partner.
It didn't take planning nor feel like work
to keep the fires burning and our interest in
one another growing. Unfortunately, once
we settle in, routines take over and our attention
gets diverted by the other demands and responsibilities
in our lives. When we pay too much attention
to the needs of the outside world and not enough
energy is left over to feed the needs of our
intimate partnership, the relationship
begins to feel starved and distant. Before
we know it, we may emotionally feel miles apart
from each other.
Here's a simple truth: a
relationship is what two people put into
You've got to make love deposits into your relationship
account in order to maintain a healthy love
as your car needs gasoline and your body needs
food, your intimate relationship needs a daily dose of the 3 A's ATTENTION, APPRECIATION, and AFFECTION, to keep it thriving and
running well. Intimate
time together, honest communication and thoughtful
acts of loving kindness are the fuel of great
you want to replace your fizzle with some sizzle,
you'll both need to move your priorities around,
start talking more, and make a mutual
commitment to keeping the romance thriving.
We all have circumstances and the pragmatic
realities of everyday to contend with, yet by
making love a priority in your life, all of
your life's events and daily happening can be
a whole lot sweeter.
Here are simple things that you can begin to
that can bring you closer and really make a
difference in enlivening your love life.
There Many Ways to Say
"I Love You"
Romance is the language
of love. It's the little things that we do
or say that mean a lot. Let's face it, everybody
wants to hear and know that he or she is loved.
It's important to regularly tell your partner
that you love him or her through your actions
and your words. Here are a few ideas:
and reunite with loving gestures. Come
together with a loving welcome and put
a loving seal on your farewell.
Be Generous With Praise
What you focus your attention on, grows. Accentuating
the positive and acknowledging
what is good in each other and in the relationship,
has positive effects on both partners. When
you let your partner know that you recognize
their efforts, say thank you and express your
gratitude, you help your partner feel recognized
and appreciated and you help yourself value
and receive what is being given to you on a
Talking to each other is one the main toolsl
we use to connect with each other. It's how
we extend ourselves and let our partner know
who we are, what we need and how we feel. It's
important for the partnership to create an open
passageway where each person can safely express
themselves without fear of rejection or judgment.
Mutual respect, trust and understanding comes
from our willingness to tell our truth and allow
our partner to do the same. Here are three ways
Say What You Feel
Talk about your wonderful
and joyous feelings and the sad and lonely ones
too. Anger, happiness and surprise are all states
of being. They are not right or wrong, justified
or unjustified. They do occur and are very real
to the person experiencing them. Disclosing
yourself immediately brings you to a deeper
level of connection with yourself and each other.
Asking vs. Telling
it. Judgements and assumptions are happening
inside us all the time. The trick is knowing
when to share them and when to keep quiet and
let your partner express themselves without
giving your opinion, advice for action, or downgrading
the emotional content. (i.e. "You're overreacting",
"You shouldn't feel that way," "Why
didn't you say..." "I would have handled
it differently." )IF you are uncomfortable
with disclosing your own feelings, you may try
to shut down your partner's expression with
your judgements. Instead, ASK RATHER THAN ASSUME.
Ask your partner what he or she needs from you.
Make sure to ask if he/she would like your feedback
or advice before giving it.
Tell your Truth.
Take atleast 30
minutes and put out your 'do
not disturb sign'
to the world. Turn off the phone, close the
door, and tell the kids, unless there is an
emergency, not to even think about knocking.
Then, sit down and take a few minutes to breathe
and settle in with each other. Begin to share
what's really going on in your heart and psyche,
not just your day. Openness and honesty are
essential. The goal is to show more and see
more of each other, rather than defend the status
quo. It takes time and patience but is worth
Keep in touch.
Doctors and researchers
have found that hugging is good for your health
and well being. Hugging can lift depression
and breathe life into a tired spirit and body.
Touching and being touched helps us to thrive.
It takes little time to open our arms to one
another with huge benefits. What a great way
to strengthen your ability to give and receive
affection, so give warm hugs to your partner,
family and friends often.
Seal it With A Kiss
the food of love. A loving embrace of the lips.
Wordlessly, they say many things."Welcome
home." "I cherish you." "I'm
yours." "I'm sorry." " I'm
here for you." A kiss can lift the level
of the moment from barren and ordinary to loving
and intimately extraordinary. So, kiss and BE
Create Intimate Time
Before rushing out
the door in a frenzy, get up one hour earlier
with your partner and have breakfast in bed,
read an inspirational passage aloud, hold each
other and whisper sweet nothings into each others
ears, go for an early walk, give each other
a massage, make love, take a shower together.
Give your partner a 20 second kiss when they
walk in the door or are leaving for the day.
Hug, Cuddle, Snuggle,
each other without using your hands. You
can touch with any part of your body, your
hair, your feet, your arms. There are parts
of your body that are seldom touched that
are especially sensitive. See if you can
find these parts on your partner's body--and
on your own.
with textures and touch by stroking your
partner's body with assorted items, a
silk scarf, a feather, a piece of fur.
and brush your partner's hair.
an environment with lighting and sound that
is condusive to wanting to make love. Soft
music, flickering scented candles, a warm
bath, clean, soft sheets, wearing something
that feels sexy to you.
erotic literature together or tell each
other steamy stories.
Learn something new together.
Once a month try a new and different activity--something
you normally would not do. Go ice skating, take
a salsa lesson, rent rollerblades, go for a
full moon hike, stay in hotel in your city and
be a tourist. It's amazing what getting out
of the routine will do. Here's some additional
thoughts and suggestions....
Start with any of the above.
I promise that it will make a difference in
your love life!
Wishing you many blessings
of love and joy,